Supreme Annoyances

Why do Bloomington drivers have to peel out of the stoplight only to slow back down because they're making a turn just 1 block later? Yes, ass-lickers, I'm talking to you; thanks for racing ahead of me because, for a second there, I thought you weren't going to be able to make your turn, you know, without PASSING ME AND SLAMMING THE BRAKES.

And with the current trend toward healthier living, in other words, opting not to upgrade your vat of coke to a 200 ounce tanker, you'll occasionally run across old and new food products in the store that seek to appeal to this consumer by promoting the only things about themselves which are neither ever here nor there. We all know we don't give a crap about its absense of any "trans fat", whatever that is. Take this new Reese's cookie I saw at Sam's Club*, it was all "Contains 0 grams trans-fat", "Individually Wrapped," and "No Dolphin meat this time!"

Oh Merciful Dooku, what would I do without ESPN'S 50 States in 50 Days segment? Its official: they're just making up programming now. Sportscenter used to be alright, like when they'd show bomb-diggity dunk reels and hourly Top Tens, never pestering us with mind-altering "words" or anything. I was perfectly content slouched in my chair with an embarrassing stream of drool hanging from my chin as I pounded potato chips into my face, watching the images fly by. But now I'm forced to bisect my single attention point, which involves painstakingly bringing the chip to my mouth, and try to compute why my brain has to unscramble the code which is "50 States in 50 Days". All it is is this segment where ESPN graces one state every day (how novel.) and does a useless bit about some face-meltingly boring but apparently noteworthy local pastime, like watching the corn grow.

Please stop this, ESPN.

But then again, without the 50/50 piece tonight on the state of Kansas, I wouldn't have learned that it was once against the law there to put ice cream on top of cherry pie [insert wanking motion here].

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*I love Sam's Club and would permanently live there if I could, but I'd have to kick out all the seniors who wear "America" shirts.

Refill Nazi

Life zombies its way forward in my soul taking town and for me, well, so do my unfailingly embarrassing episodes at The Vid. But you see though, when a level 27 Squiremaster Apprentice Class-A steps to the klub freshly equipped with a costly but SWEET adamantium beetle exoskeleton, he expects to get a little respect.

By respect, I do mean get a free refill on my humble coke which costed you, the bar, nothing GOD.

So anyway, I went there with a girl I know* and instead of buying a beer I decided to go for coke. I heard a few days ago that coke refills are free so long as you tip generously on the first buy. I gave $2 tip for a $1 coke thinking “I’m a Golden God." Also that I’d get some refills.

My friend seems to know this bartender who’s been there since, like, ARPANET was considered “fucking AWESOME" and actually she works with his girlfriend so since I came in with her I assumed that I would let nepotism carry me to my 2nd and 3rd cokes.

Yeah so I finished my first and warned my friend that I was gonna test the story out and either come back with a smile (and a coke) or with blood spilled all over my knuckles and mouth. En route to the bar I saw the bartender that served me, the one she knew, and I asked him “are coke refills free here, or….(am I going to have to Bruce Lee your sorry ass)” and his response was, after a cursory glance at me in my Dirt McGirt shirt (over my impressive beetle exoskeleton), “[wince] Ahhh, no they’re actually a doll—wait yeah…I’ll give you one.”

Damn.

And here’s where it really gets sad. I didn’t know whether simply knowing her would warp me to the front of the line to get my coke* or if I’d have to wait. Standing in the back of an 8-strong line, bartender #2 told me I’d be best to go to the other window in the other room, to which I replied “I already spoke to him (over there).” I got to the front and still no sign of my refill. I see #2 looking at me so what does a retard do?

I pull out some bills in clear view of #2, as if to ready them for payment of a valid drink, and stand idly by, sweating, soiling myself, you name it, waiting for that coke. When it came I put the money away and bolted, and I’m SURE #2 thought I stole it. Fuck that guy; I just leveled up, bioootch.

Level 28. I got back to my seat and of course told the story like I just snapped my fingers and a team of virgins brought to me my coke on a bed of doilies. You have to impress sometimes.

Next entry: my recent vacation in Tokyo.

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* Sigh
** I hadn’t gotten the Warp Flute yet