Bathroom Humor
Its official, faceless readers of my blog: you can now envy me as a Level 27 Nicky with 285HP, 64 FP (!!) AND I’m wearing the strongest clothing available this side of Bowser’s Keep!
I can also procure every frog coin on the Midas River obstacle course.
Whoa! I didn’t say to release a warm and pleasing stream of urine down your legs. Listen, this past weekend, I experienced…something. I don’t really know how to quantify it, but I did pick the flower of knowledge, ride on the airplane of awakening, and single-handedly redefine courage all within one parcep. You do this too sometimes, like that time at Denny’s when you had to stuff down that entire half of your Moons-Over-My-Hammy because A) blisters were forming on your tongue, B) you threw too much of the thing into your mouth at once and C) you were SO FUCKING WASTED, DUDE!!1. But, have you ever leveled up in the bathroom of the Vid? No. Not like this…
No not like that, either, you sick, sick freak.
Its important that we review our keywords and terms. The Buffer Urinal Theory, first put into words by writer-philosopher Dave Barry of the Miami-Herald, states that usage of the men’s restroom actually requires more rules of conduct than the sacred Japanese ceremony of, say, furiously masturbating a tuna fish during a tea ceremony. The Buffer Urinal Theory, or “BUT”, was conceived soon after modern day South America broke off of Africa, due to the urinal industry’s lucrative epiphany that vendors could order no less than three urinals per men’s restroom*. Men simply would refuse to go in two at a time, so at least 1 buffer urinal, installed only as a decorative piece, was required to give users the appropriate space while urinating. Let’s take a look at figure 12B:
Figure 12B
------1-------2-------3-------4-------5-----
Barry’s BUT states that if Urinal 1 is occupied; proceed straight to Urinal 3 or Urinal 5 while not passing “GO” and not collecting $200. Always, if 1, 3, and 5 are taken, the panicked male must look to the stall as the last socially acceptable option available, apart from soiling the wall in the corner.
Sometimes, though, you. just. have. to. go. It was late. My seal had been blown to smithereens already, so, by now, every calling was a Code-Red. And that’s exactly what I faced when I crashed the party in the restroom: urinals 1 and 3 were taken and so was the stall!!@ Never really the wall-pisser myself, I surrendered and stepped up to the buffer urinal. Almost instantly the restroom cleared out, leaving me all alone in the middle, and that’s when it happened.
This dude walked in and correctly chose the stall but happened to yell, of all things, “GIT ER DUN!!!1” in this “Gentlemen, start your engines!” let’s-get-ready-to-rumble kind of way. I was able to hold the laughter in for .9 seconds before he let out these farts that can only be described in musical terms.
Ah, the sound of music. I was quite the bandsman in high school, you know. I played the trumpet and, despite not being the most refined player technically, I put in countless hours of practice, painstakingly leaving it at school overnight. I had one volume, fff*, and one phrasing ability, “slurred”. If nothing else, I perfected this technique. Often, as a sign of great respect during rehearsal, several members of the band would stop playing just to turn around and watch me play.
So, musically, we may describe this man in the bathroom as having started with a sforsando (explosively) and then seamlessly transitioning into a more legato sound -“smooth and connected.” Think "low frequency elephant". It takes a great deal of skill for a wind player to master this, but just iMAGine the discipline required to pull that off through your butt. As they say, “how does one get to Carnegie Hall?” Practice, practice, practice! His song was as brief as it was technically sound; he began a dimenuendolandocalrissian (gradually growing softer) and all fell silent again in the men’s restroom, apart from my uncontrollable laughter.
I knew I had to get outta there with a quikness. I didn’t want to risk breaking the BUT again and it was certainly awkward enough with just the two of us uncomfortably ignoring each other's noise making. Success! I was able to wash my hands and apply a towling before the situation worsened. Let this be a lesson to all: in the most demanding of environments, such as a tea ceremony or using the men’s restroom, you can still level up. Just remember to flush.
Of course, equipping the Experience Doubler Ring helps, too.
________________________________
*Exact dates vary.
**fff -- to play with the lungs of Herakles, God of Men
I can also procure every frog coin on the Midas River obstacle course.
Whoa! I didn’t say to release a warm and pleasing stream of urine down your legs. Listen, this past weekend, I experienced…something. I don’t really know how to quantify it, but I did pick the flower of knowledge, ride on the airplane of awakening, and single-handedly redefine courage all within one parcep. You do this too sometimes, like that time at Denny’s when you had to stuff down that entire half of your Moons-Over-My-Hammy because A) blisters were forming on your tongue, B) you threw too much of the thing into your mouth at once and C) you were SO FUCKING WASTED, DUDE!!1. But, have you ever leveled up in the bathroom of the Vid? No. Not like this…
No not like that, either, you sick, sick freak.
Its important that we review our keywords and terms. The Buffer Urinal Theory, first put into words by writer-philosopher Dave Barry of the Miami-Herald, states that usage of the men’s restroom actually requires more rules of conduct than the sacred Japanese ceremony of, say, furiously masturbating a tuna fish during a tea ceremony. The Buffer Urinal Theory, or “BUT”, was conceived soon after modern day South America broke off of Africa, due to the urinal industry’s lucrative epiphany that vendors could order no less than three urinals per men’s restroom*. Men simply would refuse to go in two at a time, so at least 1 buffer urinal, installed only as a decorative piece, was required to give users the appropriate space while urinating. Let’s take a look at figure 12B:
Figure 12B
------1-------2-------3-------4-------5-----Barry’s BUT states that if Urinal 1 is occupied; proceed straight to Urinal 3 or Urinal 5 while not passing “GO” and not collecting $200. Always, if 1, 3, and 5 are taken, the panicked male must look to the stall as the last socially acceptable option available, apart from soiling the wall in the corner.
Sometimes, though, you. just. have. to. go. It was late. My seal had been blown to smithereens already, so, by now, every calling was a Code-Red. And that’s exactly what I faced when I crashed the party in the restroom: urinals 1 and 3 were taken and so was the stall!!@ Never really the wall-pisser myself, I surrendered and stepped up to the buffer urinal. Almost instantly the restroom cleared out, leaving me all alone in the middle, and that’s when it happened.
This dude walked in and correctly chose the stall but happened to yell, of all things, “GIT ER DUN!!!1” in this “Gentlemen, start your engines!” let’s-get-ready-to-rumble kind of way. I was able to hold the laughter in for .9 seconds before he let out these farts that can only be described in musical terms.
Ah, the sound of music. I was quite the bandsman in high school, you know. I played the trumpet and, despite not being the most refined player technically, I put in countless hours of practice, painstakingly leaving it at school overnight. I had one volume, fff*, and one phrasing ability, “slurred”. If nothing else, I perfected this technique. Often, as a sign of great respect during rehearsal, several members of the band would stop playing just to turn around and watch me play.
So, musically, we may describe this man in the bathroom as having started with a sforsando (explosively) and then seamlessly transitioning into a more legato sound -“smooth and connected.” Think "low frequency elephant". It takes a great deal of skill for a wind player to master this, but just iMAGine the discipline required to pull that off through your butt. As they say, “how does one get to Carnegie Hall?” Practice, practice, practice! His song was as brief as it was technically sound; he began a dimenuendolandocalrissian (gradually growing softer) and all fell silent again in the men’s restroom, apart from my uncontrollable laughter.
I knew I had to get outta there with a quikness. I didn’t want to risk breaking the BUT again and it was certainly awkward enough with just the two of us uncomfortably ignoring each other's noise making. Success! I was able to wash my hands and apply a towling before the situation worsened. Let this be a lesson to all: in the most demanding of environments, such as a tea ceremony or using the men’s restroom, you can still level up. Just remember to flush.
Of course, equipping the Experience Doubler Ring helps, too.
________________________________
*Exact dates vary.
**fff -- to play with the lungs of Herakles, God of Men
posted by Nicky @ 3/31/2005 11:09:00 AM
3 comments
