Proof is in the Pudding

I don't have internet access at home right now. At first I felt my life was flip-turned upside-down; I didn't know what to do with myself when I got home from work. You know, sit in the chair and kind of reach for the mouse and move it around a few times, click some empty boxes on your desktop wallpaper. But you know what? I've gotten used to it. I started reading a book(!!!11), I'm reviewing Japanese*, and I'm making an honest effort to eat healthy items such as "nothing" for breakfast. I wash down the old road pavement from out by the lake that they like to call "all-wheat pita bread" with Dasani Water. Let me tell you a little bit about this ill shit:

M, take note. You all "Bottled Since 1931". What else you got, huh? That secret formula involving two atoms Hydrogen, one atom Oxygen, and a WHOLE LOTTA Bullshit (Bs). Your slogan even sucks; take a look at Dasani:

DASANI is the water that makes your mouth water.

As basic as breathing, DASANI quenches thirst naturally and deliciously.

Drink DASANI everyday for one week and see how good you can feel. One thing is for sure. You'll feel great about yourself. And with DASANI's refreshingly great taste, everyday will be a breeze.

You can see why you can't hold a candle to Dasani. Their slogan writers hatch more outrageous shit during the company's Happy Hour than yours have since 1931. Shit, all your writers be DEAD. Let's look at Dasani's formula:

To create DASANI, Coca-Cola bottlers start with the local water supply, which is then filtered for purity using a state-of-the-art process called reverse osmosis. The purified water is then enhanced with a special blend of materials for a pure, fresh taste.

Reverse muthafuckin OSMOSIS. Nobody even knows what that means but I want Dasani water and I mean that. How did they arrive with such an exotic, mouth-watering name? M, once again, you fail miserably. Check this shit out:

In naming DASANI, we wanted the word on the outside of the bottle to reflect the essence of the water inside. To arrive at the name DASANI, we asked people who love water what they thought. DASANI was their answer. DASANI is an original, collaborative creation suggesting relaxation, pureness, and replenishment.

The proof is in the pudding so they say. Or water, in this case.

Oh yeah, I rediscovered my love for marshmallows. You should too.

Working 9-5 is cooler than I thought. Since I'm going to bed earlier, it makes waking up at 7:50am more tolerable, putting it right up there with open heart surgery using Grandpa's rusty scithe from the shed. Life is kind of okay. Because I drink DASANI water.

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*Damn it.